Robert Abela can’t stop talking. And now he’s prime minister few people try to stop him. When his office announces one of his addresses to the nation is coming up people groan quietly. Before they turn on the TV, people count 7 minutes from the announced starting time because being fashionably late is now a standard operating procedure. They then add another 20 minutes to make sure they do not fall asleep during the extended oral foreplay and end up missing the whole point of the speech.

Watching yesterday’s press conference I noticed how remarkably thin on detail his remarks were. And it’s not like he deferred to his health minister or the senior health civil servant to provide the bullet points. His acolytes seem just as enamoured with smoke up your arse keywords like “suċċess”, “flimkien”, “ingawdu”, “kburi”, “sabiħ”, “għaqal” and other soap bubbles that are more fitting in the picture annual of a band club.

This mock pillow conversation between Robert Abela and his missus was making the rounds on Facebook yesterday:

It’s not quite the same in English but consider this a public service if you’re not fluent in the vernacular.

Robert and Lydia in bed before sleeping…

Lydia: Good night hon, love you.

Robert: My dear wife, how pride I feel of the time we have spent together today. I am so proud of the sacrifice we made together in order to have come to this point. How proud I am that we can now partake of the fruits of our labours. It is so encouraging that we are now experiencing this new reality together. How proud I feel of your culinary skill. I think of the great beef olives jew have prepared for me. I am so proud of that glug of wine you poured for me. It has been a great pleasure for me to deliver to you this brief message tonight …

Lydia: Good morning hon, Jeez you’re still blathering?

And the fictional Mrs Abela makes the right point. After all his extended preambles he never quite gets to the point. There were so many facts people wanted to know yesterday. But in place of the facts we got the adulation, which is boring and tacky in any situation. But burning incense to worship oneself is the ultimate vulgarity.

Consider his use of the word “humanity” when he tried to justify his promise of divine mercy to people fined for breaching Covid-19 rules for invading other people’s 2 metre event horizon which we euphemistically call social distancing. It is “human” to forgive these fines now the crisis is over. Conversely it would be inhuman to expect the fines to be paid.

But “humanity” does not come into it now that the crisis that has kept over 400 migrants 13 miles out at sea is over. They stay there. And Robert Abela is proud of it.

Some people need porn for a proper wank. This guy is just fine with a mirror.